Are You a Failure?
Last week, in the beginning of her session, a client of mine said sadly, “I feel like such a failure.” My heart went out to her. I had similar feelings when I made some major leaps in my own life. But now I know, and I want her to know: A failure? Impossible. Anyone who has the courage and awareness to step out, risk, and take the leap to create a passionate, meaningful life cannot be a failure. My client, in fact, is actually a reflection of success.
Perhaps you, too, are feeling like a failure, even as you’re taking the steps that feel closest to your heart and creating a life that works for you. You may be feeling torn: As you do what feels right, there’s still a nagging voice that is harassing you, putting you down, and making you feel like you are creating a new life not out of strength, but because of failure.
Let’s talk about some of the reasons why you may be feeling this way and some tips for a new perspective.
1. You haven’t done things in the “expected” way.
Generally, if you live your life in a traditional manner, you receive support and affirmation. You’re living in a way that everyone can recognize, understand, and know how to support. If you get a promotion, everyone knows to get excited for you. If you buy a house, people congratulate you. Get married, have children, or buy a new car and you will most likely hear many versions of “Welcome to the club!”
If you step out of the usual lifestyle, however, you’re not only experiencing the unfamiliar yourself, but you’ve plunged others into a new reality too. When you’re living differently, people often fail to understand what you’re doing and thus can’t recognize the “cues” for affirming your success. So they don’t congratulate you on quitting your job, give you positive advice about pursuing your artwork, or act in all of the ways that they would know how to if you were making choices like them.
What looks like disapproval may even be merely that they can’t imagine that they would be happy if they were taking the risks that you are taking. The problem? Since you’re not receiving the standard warm and fuzzy affirmations, you end up concluding that you must be a failure.
Of course you’re not a failure, you’re just different. Review the choices you have made (and why), remind yourself of your values, and reaffirm that living from your inner spirit is a good and honorable thing. Then seek others who are also living their lives from the inside out and who can provide you the support and encouragement that help you to continue on your path. Find a mentor, join like-minded groups, and continue to create your new direction.
2. You don’t have the usual symbols of success.
As you start living in a different manner, you yourself may not have the familiar signposts that previously signaled your success. For example, before if you were asked to be on an important committee, you could see that as a sign that people respected your work or valued your judgment. If you were approved for a mortgage, you knew that you had reached a certain level of success in order to qualify.
Now that you’ve started living a lifestyle that is self-created and totally unique to you, however, the same markers may not apply. You will need to come up with your own definitions and indicators of success and not be relying on what, in some cases, are old and out-dated frameworks. Making more money, for example, a time-honored sign of success, may not make you feel as successful as when you rejoice in how much more you now travel, or take pleasure in your increased relaxation and happiness.
What is most important as you create your life is to recognize that true success is the act of living your deepest values. Spend time becoming clear on what is most important to you, and then take action to create your life accordingly.
3. You aren’t totally comfortable with the “new you.”
It may take some time for your mind and body to become accustomed to the new image and lifestyle of the person you are becoming. This is an expected part of the change process, not a personal defect. Since we’re usually most comfortable with the familiar, there is a tendency to become critical of ourselves if we’re not 100 percent sure of the direction we are taking. Rather than assuming that you’re a failure because you haven’t been able to totally embrace your new direction or don’t fully know what it is, remind yourself that you are a success because you have finally begun the steps of doing what is right for you.
4. Things aren’t moving as quickly as you expected.
We live in a culture that loves speed, often making it a major condition of success. Those who can produce the fastest are considered the winners. This may be true in a material, commercial sense, but it doesn’t apply to personal inner change. You are a complex person, doing the biggest work of your life as you sift through the layers of what has always been done to find the essence of how you really want to live. Don’t consider yourself a failure if your life hasn’t changed overnight. Recognize that planting seeds, germination, and blossoming have their seasons, and that your “grand opening” will come.
5. Finally, if you remember nothing else, remember this:
You can't possibly be a failure when you are exploring and living out who you are. To be all of whom you've been blessed to be? Truly that is a calling of the highest order.
The only failure here would be to NOT be ourselves. And that, of course, is impossible.